 Erase
the Board and Start Over Again
The Power of Forgiveness and the Dilution of
Regret
Subject: Forgiveness, Regret, Taking Action, Forgetting the Past
by Victor González
I
was talking to my friend Anthony just the other day. What made the
conversation truly special is that we had not seen or spoken to each
other in more than 20 years since our high school days. The amazing part
of the conversation was our instant reconnection over the phone. Our
tone and familiarity as we spoke was as if though we had only seen each
other last week.
As we shared stories about high school we laughed about the good times
we had and could now laugh at the bad times as well. We started to
compare notes on who we had seen since our high school graduation and
what was the latest news on our closes friends: Do they still live in
Chicago? Are they married? What was their profession? Who passed away?
After getting passed what our friends were doing, we
started to talk about our own lives and what we had done over the last
20 years. I shared with my friend Anthony all the things I had been up
to; including some down times but many more good times. I told Anthony
that on the whole, if I were to die tomorrow, I would count this
lifetime of mine as being a blessed one.
I then asked Anthony to get me caught up on his life and
what he had been up to in the last 20 years. It became apparent after
some time that Anthony’s 20 years were filled with many tales of poor
missteps and mishaps both personally and professionally.
Anthony went on to tell me about his trials and
tribulations; it wasn’t pretty in some cases. Like any one of us, he
made his fair share of mistakes. But unlike some of us, the mistakes
carried with them a high price both financially and emotionally.
Now before I go any further, let me be clear in saying
that I am not judging my friend. In my lifetime I’ve learned not to
judge others. There’s a saying about never judging a man unless you’ve
walked a mile in his shoes. The only person in a position to judge
is the individual going through the struggle. I should also point
out that many good things did go his way and he is today a Information
Technology (IT) specialist with a solid education to back it.
 As
I listened empathetically to my friend I wasn’t impacted so much by the
stories of his misfortunes, but more so by the tone in his voice which,
consciously or unconsciously, transmitted the muffled pain of many years
of regret. In his voice I could sense him tabulating the mounting debt
of lost time and missed opportunities. Like many us he made poor choices
along the way.
In high school Anthony, in my opinion, was a gifted
musician who I thought would one day for sure be atop the music business
somewhere, somehow. I asked what had happened. He again went on to
describe poor decisions he had made; many regrettable ones. He then revealed
something that shocked me. One of the things that held him back from
pursuing his music career, aside from personal family matters, was his
lack of confidence in his own abilities. You would be shocked too if you
saw this guy play a bass guitar at the age of 17. He was a monster
(i.e., bad ass) back then on the bass guitar, imagine where he could’ve
gone with another 20 years on top of that!
After expressing my disbelief in his lack of confidence,
given his talent back then, I could tell that his biggest regrets were
those linked to his inability to take action and follow through on doing
the things “he” wanted to do. As I listened to Anthony’s story I was
reminded of the story of “The Parable of Talents”
where a servant buries his talent instead of investing it for growth.
As the conversation wore on I told Anthony that he had to
stop reliving the “would’ve, could’ve, should’ve” in his life and
that it was time to look forward and make some new decisions based on
where he is at today and what he wanted for himself in the next 20
years. He agreed with me but I noticed that his conversation kept
referring back to the past decisions in his life.
I finally said to Anthony, “You can’t change the past. Some people keep
living in the past and never learn to erase the board. Ya gotta learn to
erase the board and start fresh.” I couldn’t see Anthony since we were on the phone, but I
could sense his reaction to the phrase, “erase the board”.
So I continued, “Anthony imagine that in front of you
have a board. Written upon it are all the bad decisions you’ve ever made
and all the plans you never followed through on. Now mentally take an
eraser and erase everything on the board and start mapping out what your
next 20 years are going to be like. The problem most people have is that
they can’t erase their own board. They use it as an excuse or a crutch
for not moving forward. They can’t let go of what they can’t change.
Erase your board and start, again, now. Today!”
Maybe it was the slight pause in his response, but I
could tell that my words were having some type of impact on him.
Erasing the board is a metaphor for giving ourselves the
permission to start new without the mental handicaps of the past. If you
think about it, the act of erasing the board is not about erasing what
we’ve learned from our mistakes, it is about the power to forgive
ourselves for past mistakes. What is often ironic is how we are
more apt to grant forgiveness to others for their trespasses, but we are
reluctant to confer upon ourselves the same courtesy. For some egoistic
reason we hold ourselves up to a higher standard and we are thereby less forgiving
when it comes to our own human actions.
We all, at one time or another, have to forgive ourselves
which can only begin when we stop criticizing ourselves for past
mistakes or missteps. Rob Reese in his book, The Wisdom of Imperfection
states the following,
“There is humility, honest and compassion in the
capacity to allow our fallibility and frailty as human, sentient beings.
To try to be otherwise can be seen as embracing a kind of false self
that is in denial of our fallibility. This compassion allows us to be
who we are without destructive judgment and self-criticism.”
We have to accept who we are and how we are built; can’t
change that. But we can decide to change our mindset and begin to let go
of the past along with all the mental anchors that have been holding us
down is the only way anyone can move forward.
If you’re like Anthony, and today find yourself unable to
move, feeling constricted by the past, here’s what I want you to do. I
want you to imagine a board in front of you cluttered with all your
mistakes, failures, missteps, mishaps and regrets. Because of the
clutter, no future planning can occur on this board since there isn’t
enough room or space to write out your new ideas and plans. So further
imagine that you have a big eraser in your hand and begin to erase the “would’ve,
could’ve and should’ves” in your life. With each broad stroke of
your eraser I want you to feel the weight of the past lifting off your
shoulders.
Now mentally grab a magic marker (I like the fact that
it’s called a “magic” marker) and write at the top of the board the
words, “Day O”. Day O (zero) is your starting point. From here on out
the past ceases to exist and only tomorrow’s horizon is of concern.
If you do this, let me tell you what is going to happen
to you. As you write your new life plan upon the board, you will begin
to feel a sense of control over your life. Your anxieties, predicated
upon uncertainty, will begin to melt away with each stroke of the marker
and each step you take towards making that plan a reality. As you map out your new reality, here are three Don’ts I’d like you to
follow as you begin anew:
-
Don’t worry about what others may think. They (others)
didn’t help you in the past, so what makes them anymore relevant today
or tomorrow?
-
Don’t worry about how you will get it all done. A journey
of a thousand miles begins with one step so the saying goes. The next
step will reveal itself once the first one is taken.
And finally,
I believe Anthony’s biggest regret was his lack of confidence in his own
God given abilities. We talked about his musical talent and how it
wasn’t too late to salvage his dream if that is what indeed he wanted to
do. I asked him to give it some serious thought and really think about
what he wanted to do for the next 20 years. In Anthony’s case, the worst
thing would be to wake up another 20 years later in the same situation.
That would be a human travesty!
I often think about death. Not because I’m a morbid
individual, but as a reminder that we’re all on the clock in this world.
When someone we know dies, have you ever noticed how their death has a
way of focusing us on what’s important in our lives; trivialities
disappear.
On our death bed I expect that one of the emotional pains
we will have to endure or work through is that of regret. Regret for the
things we didn’t do will inevitably lead to the mental anguish of not
having lived a full life. It is often said that we will regret the
things we didn’t do more than the things we did do.
My friend Bert Oliva says, “Live life, don’t let life
live you”. His statement is a harbinger, a warning shot across the bow
of our existence, for those who never get around to erasing the board.
We’re all afraid of what lies ahead when it comes to
taking chances and making changes in life. Starting over by erasing the
board can be a scary. The thought of failure scares us even more. So here
is what I want you to keep in mind as you contemplate erasing the board:
Failure is painful, but regret is intolerable! the only way
to dilute yesterday's regrets is by
taking
action today and leaving the past where it belongs,...in the past.
Victor Antonio, The Sales Asylum
Please share
this article with a friend who is needs to erase their board!
 Copyright © 2005-2007 by
Victor Antonio All rights reserved. These photos MAY
be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical,
including photocopying, as long as the author’s name, website and email
address are included as part of the article’s body. All inquiries,
including information on electronic licensing, should be directed to Victor Antonio. |
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